"Zeno first writes about his cigarette addiction and cites the first times that he smoked. In his first few paragraphs, he remembers his life as a child. One of his friends would buy for him and his brother cigarettes, which they would smoke. Soon, he steals money from his father in order to buy tobacco, and he finally decides not to do this out of shame. Eventually, he starts to smoke his father's half-smoked cigars instead. The problem with his "last cigarette" starts when he is twenty. He contracts a fever and his doctor tells him that he must abstain from smoking in order for him to heal. He decides that smoking is bad for him and he smokes his "last cigarette" so he can quit. However, this is not his last and he soon becomes plagued with "last cigarettes." He attempts to quit on days of important events in his life and soon obsessively attempts to quit on the basis of the harmony in the numbers of dates. Each time, he fails to let his last cigarette be truly the last. He goes to doctors and asks friends for help in order to give up the habit, but to no avail each time. He goes so far as to break out of a clinic that he commits himself into."

How to ex voto? ? ?

I have a new baby. In this photo I believe she's about 10 days old.

She's got much fatter cheeks now; she's 5 weeks today. Nursing, sleeping next to me, and always in-arms.

What is the way to direct my mental flow to a higher plane ?

How to reach out meaningfully to other forms of life ?

Experiencing the feeling of being completely awake, feeling productive and energetic. This is my world of chemistry. It's 3:29 AM. I said I was not going to do this type of thing again.

But I am productive, sure thing !

I am pretty much killing myself. What the fuck?

IQ is 115; the test seemed remarkably valid actually.. and I know this because I study psych measurements. Mere familiarity with the format probably gave me at least 5 extra points.

Tonight a new aim friend did me the favor of telling me to step away, more or less.. how embarrassing. I feel awful physically at the moment due to the toxic wasteland status, but that's the easier part (than the core of it - the storm after the storm).

I think it will be the stomach cancer, if I had to guess. Though there are always the cardiovascular and respiratory types if that doesn't occur. 1 in 5 deaths in this country is due to cigarettes, which is about half a million people.

Historically I also have had elevated scores on hypochondria. In the event of severe mental discomfort, I begin to notice recurring and persistent physical symptoms or other various reasons for needing health care. It's a little irrational, but not ultimately. I'm in crisis mode. I will be making a visit today. This is only text.

It is said that in order to change a habit, like smoking, one needs to replace that urge and energy someplace else.

WHERE? WITH WHAT?      

TIME FOR THE ALPHABET AEROBIC


Air, Apple
BREATHE, Blankets, Bananas
Cat pictures, Calling on Women
Drumming, Dancing, Drawing
Expecting more (IS MORE)
Future is now (NO LOOKING BACK)
G
H
Internet hiatuses
Just fucking Breathe. Just for today - and it's all true regardless of the origin
Kiirtan
Laugh a lot somehow, Long-term planning
Meditate
N
O
Poi, Piano
Q
Reading
Shower. Sing, Scream, Self-massage, Staking Sacred Spaces, Systematic writing, Slow Down
Toothpick, Tea, Touch Yourself
U
V
Walk, Water
X
Yo-yo, Yoga
Zip lips


Healing (ironic yet appropriate typo was 'heaving') begins when however? What things do you find that'll warp you forwards instead of back back into those old circles? I'd love to explore any similar lists from your points of view...  I anticipate this to be a common reference once I get used to it being here.

Something I love but do not sticktuitively apply the results of consistently is that of Risk/Benefit analysis .. this is a remarkable yet obvious invention. I need to keep up to date. And "Consistency" is a synonym for "Vow" to me.

Ex Voto is Latin for "according to one's vow".

Living the continuous, ongoing manifestation of any vow is in my eyes one of the most steadfast and honorable acts that can be done. Take a common example: A young person lives most of his or her youth enjoying sharing and exploring sexuality, maybe even loves and thrives off these experiences or soon-to-be-habits. Maybe there's even new or old friends around during summertimes .. this is where some timeless things happen such as rollin' in the in grass or all over the goldenrod flowers. Just to sit simply on the earth with all the beautiful bodies of a youth's counterparts. After not so many summer romances, most folks are seeming to be coming to a decisions to make a huge, huge change.. find a more hopefully (and expectedly) exclusive partner. Further, most couples historically and across space have displayed an identical phenomenon to remain exclusive after the point of commitment.. point being, this commonly results in some type of vow, decision, and dedication. Violation of this commitment, as in my example (not my current dilemma), an act of infidelity due to a weakness and an ingrained habit - is the one case I can come up with that is most consistently hissed upon from ancient times and even still. We all have certain propensities, and this is my best justification to date in bringing a vowing propensity to the forefront, for me, for however long it takes. Truly, I supposed the largest sample I could imagine ... surely this timeless, borderfree phenomenon can and should be comprehended in some cohesive format; that's mine.

From time to time we need to really get a monkey off our back, whether it be biting nails or collecting too many teddy bears or even smoking cigarettes.

Even these local planets and my outer space globes of glowing fires have a vow; their vow is to follow the same pattern each day.